Tuesday, August 12, 2003
I was minding my own business, taking a casual stroll to get my haircut…
My discman was blaring TLC’S latest disc, 3D, and I had a cigarette in my mouth. Out of nowhere, this psycho scumbag steps in front of me and goes “Give me a cigarette”. I didn’t even see him approach and it took me off guard. I replied “No man. Sorry”. I never broke stride once, yet the man followed on my heels and said forcefully “Give me a cigarette”. When I kept walking and ignoring him, he took his hand and smacked me extremely hard on the back. Without even thinking, I whirled around and shoved him hard…right on to his ass. “Don’t EVER fucking touch me mother FUCKER!” He stared at me, eyes gaping, while lying on the ground. I turned and kept walking. Unafraid.
For the next 5 blocks or so, it took all of the strength I had in my body to keep my hands from shaking uncontrollably. I don’t like physical confrontation of ANY kind, but fuck if I am going to let ANYONE shove me around in this city. I feel bad for knocking this dickhead on the ground, but I also feel justified. God, I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was jamming out to TLC, the next minute I knocked some dude on his ass. Damn, I’m ruff and tuff with my afro puffs.
Had a very uneventful weekend. Sort of. I did see The Hours, which blew my mind. I also saw Punch-Drunk Love, which solidified my belief that Paul Thomas Anderson is the BEST and most INGENIUS director out there. And finally, I saw Deliver Us From Eva and was horribly disappointed that LL Cool J only took off his shirt once. AND he was covered by the bedsheet the whole time. FUCKING LAME! Oh yeah and I attempted to watch Wes Craven’s They but I got so frustrated with it that I didn’t even finish watching it. Now, besides all of the movies I saw this weekend…
Paul came over on Saturday night and we had our talk.
The minute I told him that I thought we should “take a break”, he said “Fine” and got up to leave. When I grabbed his arm and made him sit down to talk about it all, he burst into tears and sobbed for awhile. He told me that he “hates himself” right now and has for a very long time. He admits to treating me poorly and knows that he doesn’t deserve me. He talked long and hard about his parents, his life in NYC, his failure at our relationship, and his imploding restaurant career.
When he was finished, I held him for a long time.
I told Paul that I am very much in love with him, but think we should take a break because we are slowly destroying each other. Paul acknowledges this and said that he “understands” if I need to be away from him. I told him that I didn’t want to do that at all, that what I really wanted was to have my boyfriend back, the guy that I fell so hard for 3 and a half years ago. Paul promised to work harder on making me happy. He promised that he will do his best to make me first priority and to treat me with nothing less than kindness. Paul promised that I won’t have to wonder if I should be with him anymore.
I took all of what he said with a grain of salt. While I would love to believe him, I know how unlikely it is that he will turn it all around. And if he doesn’t, he is now prepared for me to leave him.
The rest of Saturday night went very well and when we woke up on Sunday morning, we made beautiful love to together. I KNOW! 3rd time since January! Cept that this time, I felt it. Our kisses were real and not forced. His touch made me melt and his arm around me made me feel like he really loved my body, my heart, and my soul. I came within minutes.
So, the Paul and Joe saga is far from closed. We will continue on together, cuz that’s what people in love do. But I have definitely learned some lessons from this whole thing and I am a bit less scared about having to leave him, if the time for that should come. I appreciate all of the support that my friends have given me throughout this rough time period in my life. Without that support, I might have done something totally irrational. I have been known, you know?
Tonight Paul and I are celebrating our talk with a bottle of champagne and a nice dinner in the East Village. I am pretty excited. Pedro was right about us communicating better. Even though we talk all the time, we don’t necessarily talk all the time. I have to work on keeping that line of communication open. As long as he keeps working on himself.
The two boys, together again.
My discman was blaring TLC’S latest disc, 3D, and I had a cigarette in my mouth. Out of nowhere, this psycho scumbag steps in front of me and goes “Give me a cigarette”. I didn’t even see him approach and it took me off guard. I replied “No man. Sorry”. I never broke stride once, yet the man followed on my heels and said forcefully “Give me a cigarette”. When I kept walking and ignoring him, he took his hand and smacked me extremely hard on the back. Without even thinking, I whirled around and shoved him hard…right on to his ass. “Don’t EVER fucking touch me mother FUCKER!” He stared at me, eyes gaping, while lying on the ground. I turned and kept walking. Unafraid.
For the next 5 blocks or so, it took all of the strength I had in my body to keep my hands from shaking uncontrollably. I don’t like physical confrontation of ANY kind, but fuck if I am going to let ANYONE shove me around in this city. I feel bad for knocking this dickhead on the ground, but I also feel justified. God, I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was jamming out to TLC, the next minute I knocked some dude on his ass. Damn, I’m ruff and tuff with my afro puffs.
Had a very uneventful weekend. Sort of. I did see The Hours, which blew my mind. I also saw Punch-Drunk Love, which solidified my belief that Paul Thomas Anderson is the BEST and most INGENIUS director out there. And finally, I saw Deliver Us From Eva and was horribly disappointed that LL Cool J only took off his shirt once. AND he was covered by the bedsheet the whole time. FUCKING LAME! Oh yeah and I attempted to watch Wes Craven’s They but I got so frustrated with it that I didn’t even finish watching it. Now, besides all of the movies I saw this weekend…
Paul came over on Saturday night and we had our talk.
The minute I told him that I thought we should “take a break”, he said “Fine” and got up to leave. When I grabbed his arm and made him sit down to talk about it all, he burst into tears and sobbed for awhile. He told me that he “hates himself” right now and has for a very long time. He admits to treating me poorly and knows that he doesn’t deserve me. He talked long and hard about his parents, his life in NYC, his failure at our relationship, and his imploding restaurant career.
When he was finished, I held him for a long time.
I told Paul that I am very much in love with him, but think we should take a break because we are slowly destroying each other. Paul acknowledges this and said that he “understands” if I need to be away from him. I told him that I didn’t want to do that at all, that what I really wanted was to have my boyfriend back, the guy that I fell so hard for 3 and a half years ago. Paul promised to work harder on making me happy. He promised that he will do his best to make me first priority and to treat me with nothing less than kindness. Paul promised that I won’t have to wonder if I should be with him anymore.
I took all of what he said with a grain of salt. While I would love to believe him, I know how unlikely it is that he will turn it all around. And if he doesn’t, he is now prepared for me to leave him.
The rest of Saturday night went very well and when we woke up on Sunday morning, we made beautiful love to together. I KNOW! 3rd time since January! Cept that this time, I felt it. Our kisses were real and not forced. His touch made me melt and his arm around me made me feel like he really loved my body, my heart, and my soul. I came within minutes.
So, the Paul and Joe saga is far from closed. We will continue on together, cuz that’s what people in love do. But I have definitely learned some lessons from this whole thing and I am a bit less scared about having to leave him, if the time for that should come. I appreciate all of the support that my friends have given me throughout this rough time period in my life. Without that support, I might have done something totally irrational. I have been known, you know?
Tonight Paul and I are celebrating our talk with a bottle of champagne and a nice dinner in the East Village. I am pretty excited. Pedro was right about us communicating better. Even though we talk all the time, we don’t necessarily talk all the time. I have to work on keeping that line of communication open. As long as he keeps working on himself.
The two boys, together again.
